We were a family in crisis. Violence, anger and destruction were frequent visitors to our home. Aggressive tantrums, some lasting hours, were exhausting.
The worst part was the helpless fear inour son’s face as he lashed out, terrified by his lack of control. Then followed the remorse. Shameand self-hatred so deep, he’d hit and scratch himself, saying he wanted to die. He was 7 years old.
They said he was an ‘uncomplicated baby’, no drugs or alcohol, placed into a loving foster family from birth. He was 20 weeks old when he came to us; we were exceptionally lucky. But our little boy had suffered domestic violence in utero. The trauma had already shaped his brain. He was safe, cared for and loved from the moment he was born. We parented him as we had been parented, with love, support and ‘traditional’ discipline: time out, consequences, counting to three (not knowing what to do at 4!).
It didn’t work.
At first, he settled. But terrible two’s turned into terrible three’s, then came the god awful four’s and the frightening five’s. Starting school threw oil on the fire. He couldn’t cope in the classroom and fight or flight kicked in. He did both, daily, so they labelled him ‘naughty’.
The six’s were shocking. At best, the traditional parenting methods didn’t work, and at worst, they did more harm than good. We’d discovered Dan Hughes, PACE, relax kids. We also had a family therapist who knew a lot of theory but struggled to help us put it into practice. Exhausted and despairing, it felt like we’d lost control and it was our fault. We walked on eggshells, not knowing what would spark the next eruption or how long it would last. We lived with domestic violence, scared, fearing the future and grieving the family we’d hoped for.
Our support worker suggested the Non-Violent Resistance (NVR) course run by Ingrid and Carolyn. To be honest our hearts sank, not another ‘parenting course’. We needed practical help. Someone to show us what to do when our son became lost in the red mist, biting and hitting. How could we ‘connect’ when we were black and blue, consumed by fear and rage, pushing him away? But we were desperate, so we said yes.
If you’re living the life I’ve described and you feel the words to your core, welcome to the happy part! You are not on your own. The approach to NVR delivered by Ingrid and Carolyn works. It has transformed our family. In less than a year, we no longer live in fear of aggression or violence. Our house is (mostly) calm. Using the NVR techniques and coaching from Carolyn, we have reconnected
with our son and take better care of ourselves.
Steps to Connection offer far more than another parenting course. Yes, they teach practical techniques for heated situations, and a framework to help manage your child’s behaviour (and your own!).
But there is so much more. Carolyn and Ingrid provide a safe space. Their vast experience of trauma and attachment makes you feel seen, heard and understood. They are unshockable. They have seen your struggle and can carry you out the other side with genuine care and a dose of good humour. Group sessions provide a close support network. As you hear the relatable stories from other parents, you realise you are not alone. We’d been running on empty, fuelled by fear and adrenalin for so long, we didn’t realise how broken we were. Ingrid and Carolyn provided a unique, safe space to fall apart. Along with unwavering support to put ourselves back together again. They encourage you to throw away the traditional parenting rulebook and help you to understand why it won’t work for your child. The relief is life-changing.
All this time we’d been looking for the magic fix for our son. Ingrid and Carolyn showed us he isn’t broken. He is scared and has been fighting to survive since before he was born.